hunny miss (aka lets fead him to the gators) (ehs_wildcats) wrote,
hunny miss (aka lets fead him to the gators)

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OK, essay

So here's the deal. I had no interest in posting any pictures of this last trip because I find nothing about it enjoyable. And it takes a lot to ruin shirtless Zac…. :(

I did save them. In a folder called 'Fucking Ibiza' (sorry Spain). And maybe some day, when things are more assured, I'll look at them and find something enjoyable in them.

I guess I could've just posted them with more gifs of staring, side-eyeing, eye-rolling or throwing up in my mouth… I have plenty of those between the ones I made when I first found out and the ones I made ever since he started hanging out with questionable people again.

But in reality, judgment, anger and disappointment achieve nothing. Not saying people shouldn't feel that way sometimes but overall they get me nowhere and are probably the worst responses for him… hypothetically speaking since it's not like he'll see this. But also anger in particular is a defensive shield to hide the fact that really, I'm just super anxious. Like, I don't know what's happening exactly, few people do. But these are questionable people plus that is a seriously questionable environment which adds up to serious downer for me. I am worried he's given up and given in and in the darkest moments, I'm scared he'll die, tbqh. So really if I were to gif my feelings, these might be most apropos:

(I have lots of these types of gifs too.)

These aren't new concerns, ever since I knew he was first using, I worried. I've said that before I'm sure. Many people might argue I don't really deserve to have such strong concern since I am a complete stranger. And trust me I've distanced myself because I've realized it isn't healthy to be too engaged in some stranger's life. But I've spent a lot of time sticking up for him as an actor and as a person and I did it because I saw not perfection or a hot bod but something genuine in him. And I've learned a lot about him, more than a stranger probably deserves, enough to fill a book. Most of what I know about him says he's a good dude, despite his faults. And let's be real here, if he were a shithead, he would've been ditched by Hollywood long ago and, even more noticeably, media would play his story a totally different way.

So it was nice seeing him get help and it did relieve the worry a bit. And despite clearly erroneous information that haters (and TMZ and Lainey Gossip) spread, he really did try and does care. We know his Dad and family are serious about it. If for no other reason, you know that means he'll try. But people, addicts especially, do stupid shit and it doesn't matter how long they've been sober, addiction is always in the background. And while it is tempting to say he knows what he is doing and he knows how to pick good friends… knowing and doing are two totally different things. He wouldn't be in this mess in the first place if he made all great choices. The friends thing is super complex, how can it not be for someone so famous. But how he goes back to friends who use him to pay their bar tabs and get instagram <3s, I do not know. Like obviously these people care about him… to a point. And yet they definitely put their needs and wants above his, otherwise they'd do more to enable healthy behavior in him.

What drives me nuts is haters will be salivating over this. There are many people who love it when anyone famous fails but worse, I know there are a few specifically Zac haters who would love nothing more than if he died. Which is pretty fucking sick.

Haters insist we are naïve, we're dumb and we've been duped. It is true that I don't know everything that happens and also it is true that I've grown and learned a lot doing this, but I'm not naïve or dumb or duped. I'm educated as a historian, that's half of my background. You spend a lot of time learning the pitfalls of having passion for a topic and of how to read between the lines and parse the metaphorical tea leaves about peoples' lives before you can write a defensible thesis. And I can tell you, without a doubt, haters are far more blinded by their hatred than I am by my affection and they are far less honest about what they do and do not know.

Anyway… I could go on and on (seriously, I could write a book). But let me just end it by saying for now, I'm counting down the days till the DJ movie starts. (See forthcoming post.)

p.s. Since I saw it come up in comments… in general I don't care if comments go a little off topic from posts. My only hard rules on here are no drama, no personal attacks… the latter is usually easy enough, the former used to be a lot easier when there was less drama in Zac's life, lol. But overall I understand the need for people to discuss things and I also understand how other people don't want to see certain discussions. I'm not sure how to make both sides happy except I'll try to make posts like this faster in the future so there is an on topic place to talk. Trouble is, I'm a slow poke when I write about serious stuff so perhaps a good compromise might be… if you want to post something kind of off topic and less pleasant, use spoiler tags. To do spoiler tags, straight from the lj faq: "Type <lj-spoiler title="Link to spoiler"> before the text you want to hide, replacing "Link to spoiler" with the word or phrase the viewer will click to see the hidden text. If you want to start showing text again, type </lj-spoiler> after the last of the text you want hidden."
Tags: essay
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